Did you do something wrong? Were you not good enough? Or did your boyfriend simply not have the decency to stay loyal in a relationship, even if things went south?
These questions and many more are probably circling in your mind if you’ve just found out that your boyfriend has cheated on you.
Not only will you lose trust in your partner and be filled with all sorts of emotions, but you’ll also be at a loss for words and probably won’t know how to deal with it.
After all, what exactly are you supposed to say to your boyfriend when he cheats on you?
For starters, one of the most important things you need to do is convey all your feelings to him honestly. Then, you can ask him what the nature of the cheating was, whether feelings were involved or not, and why he did it.
Give him a chance to speak, hear him out on how he plans to fix it, and then decide if you want to work on the relationship or break up with him accordingly.
Things to say to your boyfriend when he cheats on you
“Why did you do it?”
When you find out that your boyfriend has cheated on you, it’s only natural to wonder, what really happened?
Was it a drunken mistake? Or were there feelings involved?
Some people don’t like asking these questions because they don’t want to risk getting hurt by the answer or they don’t think they need to know.
But the reality of it is that getting these answers will probably give you the peace of mind you might have been longing for since you found out.
Asking him why he did it can be risky. It’ll either allow your boyfriend to make up excuses for his behavior or lead to his answers hurting you more rather than providing closure.
He might claim that it was a one-time, foolish mistake, or he might have actually had feelings for the girl he cheated with.
For him to cheat on you because he was emotionally involved with someone else would mean that he had been talking and interacting with her beforehand, which is extremely hurtful for anyone to hear.
When you find out that your boyfriend also has feelings for someone else, it immediately opens the door for many more reasons to doubt him and questions all your past interactions.
You’ll probably question all the things your boyfriend has said to you, wondering if he told her the same thing.
On the other hand, he might have felt neglected or ignored in the relationship. Maybe he felt like he was drifting away from you or wanted to hurt you after a rough fight.
If he cheated because he wanted to hurt you, that in itself speaks volumes about how much he cares about you and his ability to stay loyal to you when things get complicated!
Nevertheless, none of those are valid excuses for his actions because it was still his choice at the end of the day.
No reason he gives will take away from how much it hurts, nor will it excuse the cheating; however, it might help you understand why he did it to get some sort of closure from it.
Knowing what really happened is also important because it helps you decide whether you want to try and fix the relationship or simply break up.
“I feel hurt and betrayed because….”
When you find out that your boyfriend has cheated on you, naturally, you’re going to feel a lot of emotions all at once.
Whether you’re hurt or angry, it’s always better to express those feelings conversationally and let him know how you feel rather than holding it in.
Rather than using an accusatory tone that could easily make him defensive, express your feelings in terms of “I feel [blank] because of [blank].”
You can let out all your feelings as soon as you find out or do it after processing what happened. But don’t hold back from whatever you want to say because you’re afraid that he might leave you, or he might not like what you have to say.
Even if you don’t want to lose him and end your relationship, honest communication about your feelings is still very important.
Not saying anything now and holding all your feelings in will do nothing for you except jeopardize the chances of fixing the relationship because you’ll still have a lot of resentment for him.
He needs to know that he hurt you, and it wasn’t something that you can just sweep aside and move on.
At times, you might even feel like you don’t have the right to say anything because the two of you fought before he cheated, and you said hurtful things.
Once again, that’s not true!
Regardless of what happened, the cheating was not your fault!
Your boyfriend had a choice to make when he cheated, and telling him how you feel will not be “rubbing his mistake back in his face.”
All you’re doing is getting your emotions out because you want closure from this chapter of the relationship and move on!
“No matter what excuse you make, it was still your choice.”
If your boyfriend isn’t ready to accept his actions’ responsibility and consequences, he will try to blame you for the cheating or make up excuses for himself.
Regardless of whatever he says to deflect the blame from him, you need to remember that what he did was his choice and remind him of that.
He might claim that he felt neglected in the relationship or that he was too pissed off after a fight, etc.
Even if it was an error in judgment, a mistake, or a slip of character, at the end of the day, he still cheated, despite knowing exactly how much it would hurt you.
So in no circumstances should you be entertaining any of his excuses.
If he starts to talk about the problems in your relationship that led him to make that choice, then ask him to save it for therapy (if you guys opt for that).
Remember that whatever bumps you were going through in your relationship; you were going through them together.
Even if he faced problems, there could have been other ways of dealing with them, but he chose not to avail those options and found a hurtful escape instead.
“How do you plan on making things right again?”
If you want to try and save your relationship after finding out about the cheating, know that it’s not your responsibility to determine how to fix it.
Instead of telling your boyfriend what he needs to do to win your heart back, give him the chance to think for himself.
Another attempt at the relationship won’t work if you keep telling your boyfriend how to fix his mistakes. If you have been doing that in the past, then you’ll also know how frustrating it gets when he can’t figure it out on his own.
Asking your boyfriend what he thinks he needs to do will also help you realize how he views you and your relationship.
For example, if he thinks that he can brush everything over with a few gifts and call it a day, then clearly, he doesn’t realize the severity of his actions, nor does he realize how hurt you actually are.
In such cases, you should probably let him go because if he doesn’t realize that you’re worth more than a few gifts, then he doesn’t deserve you.
On the other hand, it’ll be a positive sign if he talks about ways to regain your trust, how much space he should give you, trying couple’s therapy, etc.
“If we’re going to make this work, I need you to….”
Once you have given your boyfriend the chance to speak about what he thinks he needs to do if you guys want to stay together, it’s time to voice your demands.
Remember that honesty will be your best friend!
Be honest with your boyfriend about your feelings. If you feel like you can no longer trust him, you need to let him know. Similarly, if you feel like he needs to cut off contact with the person he cheated with, let him know.
Maintaining this honest communication will be important in healing your relationship.
Moving forwards, you’ll probably want your boyfriend to let you know what he’s doing throughout his day, spend more time with you, communicate when he’s having problems in the relationship or feeling neglected, etc.
Feel free to take your time with deciding what you want from him, and remember that you do have the upper hand now. Don’t be too irrational with your demands but don’t be afraid to ask for what you really need either!
“This is your last chance. If there’s a next time, I’ll walk!”
When you’re trying to rebuild a relationship with your boyfriend, remind him that now that you are moving forward on your terms.
Suppose at any point you feel like your trust is being betrayed again, or he’s cheating on you again. In that case, you have every right to break up with him regardless of how far the relationship has developed without feeling guilty or offering him an explanation.
He needs to know that he can’t keep messing around as you’re not going to hand out any more chances!
When you get into the relationship again, it won’t be as the same people you were before. This time, there will be damage to work through, and both of you need to be willing to put in the effort.
He’s not necessarily on borrowed time, but he is being judged for his actions by you much more harshly than he was the first time. This time, you won’t be ignoring any red flags.
He needs to realize that you are worthy of someone who treats you as irreplaceable, and if he is incapable of being that man for you, he does not deserve to be with you.
“Things can never be the same between us anymore.”
While trying to fix a relationship after getting cheated on works for some people, it may not be the path you choose for yourself.
Understandably so, because after getting cheated on, it’s hard to even look at your boyfriend in the same way. Unfortunately, someone you thought had your back has now hurt you in ways you could never have imagined.
If that’s the case, then the best thing to do is break up with your boyfriend. You’re going to have to tell him that things between the two of you will never be the same again and that you can’t be together anymore.
Especially if your boyfriend has cheated on you multiple times, you need to tell him to get out of your life.
You can no longer be with him because he has broken your heart and betrayed your trust on multiple occasions, and you just can’t find a way to move past that.
So even if he wants to remain friends, or find a way to stay in your life, tell him that you are way past that point.
The cliché goes that after you find out your boyfriend is cheating on you; you go into a rampage, call him names, and possibly destroy some property!
While that might work for some, for the time being, it doesn’t really bring you any peace when you are in a relationship with someone you care about.
The best thing you can say to him is that you hope no one ever hurts him like he has hurt you by cheating. And then say goodbye.
Removing him from your life permanently might be very hard if you’re still deeply in love with him, or if you guys have shared a life, aka, a house, pet, kids, etc.
In such cases, the most you can do is put up as much distance between yourselves as you can and limit your interactions.
If you want to part on good terms, simply wish him a good life. This might bring you more comfort than being hurtful to him and will probably help you move on peacefully as well.
If your boyfriend cheated because he was emotionally involved with another person, attempting to fix your relationship will be useless!
Even if he claims to still love you, he can’t be fully committed to you, nor will you be able to fully trust him, as long as he still has feelings for someone else.
On the other hand, if he claims that it was a one-time thing, genuinely seems apologetic, and is prepared to work on fixing the relationship, then it’s probably a good sign!
However, the decision to stay with him or leave him rests solely in your hands. You should decide whatever makes you feel the most content after considering the circumstances and everything he’s said.