If you happen to have a sister, there is a chance you guys have butted heads over a dress, or a charger or simply over shared food. These are the people we love but can’t stand, it’s a complex relationship and often times these little conflicts can lead to long-standing rivalries. We all know one such person who wants nothing to do with their siblings.
Sibling rivalry is a real thing. It can be observed in scriptures that date back to way before our four fathers. The first incident of sibling rivalry is thought to be between the sons of Adam and Eve. Cain murdered his brother Abel out of jealousy. The root cause was presumed to be unequal treatment, God was pleased when Abel presented a lamb to Him, but wasn’t happy with Cain, as he only gave leftover harvest and thought selfishly about getting rewarded.
“Siblings are our partners and rivals, our first friends, and our first enemies.” – Erica Goldblatt Hyatt
And when we talk about sibling rivalries, there is no better rivalry, than between two sisters. Are girls more prone to getting jealous? Is it difficult for girls to forgive and forget? You will find the answers to these questions as you read on.
The Bouvier Sisters
Throughout history, we can see numerous cases of sibling rivalry and its effect on the lives of those who were involved.
Let’s take the example of infamous Jackie, Wife of the 35th president of the USA Jhon.F Kennedy and her sister Lee Bouvier. Both their parents always considered Jackie as the favorite daughter and never hesitated to mention it. This unfair treatment became the root of the rivalry between them.
The sisters were brought up with the mindset that getting rich and powerful was the main goal in life. Therefore, both girls set out for the acquisition of wealth and power, trying to outshine the other. Eventually, Jackie got married to John F. Kennedy. Lee couldn’t bear the thought of her sister becoming the first lady. She tried everything to outdo her sister and finally caught the attention of the Polish prince Stanislaw Albrecht Radziwill, becoming a princess in the process.
Eventually, Jackie separated from Kennedy and started dating Onassis, a Greek shipping tycoon. When Lee found out, she started considering ending her marriage and trying her luck with Onassis too. But Jackie beat her to it and got married before Lee could do anything about it.
This particular example perfectly describes the role of parents and what part they play in causing these sibling rivalries. Parents, ever since our childhoods are the first human beings we come to know and love, subsequently their affection and appreciation is a reward, we all strive to achieve from early childhood.
Reasons for hating your Sister
Disagreements and arguments are a common occurrence between sisters. They can start off as early as 2 years. The question is, what causes these differences to get prolonged and last for a lifetime? Let’s have a look.
Role of Parents
As mentioned earlier, parents sometimes end up making their kids feel competitive towards each other. How does this happen? We will take a very common example. If your parents trust your sibling with a secret, you will automatically start thinking:
- Why was the secret told to her and not me?
- Do the parents like her more than me?
- Do the parents think she can keep it better than me?
- Do the parents think that I’m not responsible enough to keep the secret?
Subconsciously, these questions start developing in your mind, igniting a flame of negativity. Maybe you don’t realize it at that moment, but whenever something similar happens, it acts as a fuel to the fire. With time, that tiny flame turns into a full-blown fire, and that’s when the feeling becomes permanent.
A basic example of this is wearing a cast of clothes. In most families, the younger sister is given the clothes of the older sister to wear.
On the other hand, the older sister gets all the new things. You get the used stuff, making you feel unloved and unimportant.
This makes you envious of your elder sister, for you think that she is loved more than you.
Jealousy or “The green-eyed monster” is something that entangles girls more than boys. This owes to the more possessive nature of girls as compared to boys. If you feel a sense of jealousy toward your sibling, it’s normal but what’s not normal is to let jealousy take over your mind and make you do things that you would not do normally.
The root cause of jealousy is when we see the other person having something that we lack.
When it comes to sisters, they can feel jealous of each other if:
- One looks better
- Is favored by the parents
- Is lucky in love
- Has a better job
- Has a better social life
- Excels in school
In short, when you feel that your sister is better than you at everything, The feeling of competition overcomes the feeling of happiness for her accomplishments, you start detesting her and the green-eyed monster makes this feeling stronger. The more she excels, the deeper is your hate. This hate then goes a long way in life.
Sometimes when you and your sister have too many conflicts, parents might separate you from each other. They may either change your rooms or send you to boarding schools.
This is usually done to reduce the number of fights between you both but often times it does more damage than good. Isolating you two will make you grow up without experiencing love, respect, and care for each other.
You will get used to carrying out activities without each other. Thus, the absence of your sister won’t matter to you and you will get emotionally distant while still carrying the resentments.
Difference of POV
The difference of opinion is also a reason for hating your sister. As kids, arguing with your sister is a very common thing.
Most kids do it on a daily basis, even more, if they are around each other more often. They fight, shout, call each other names and then forget and get on with it, or do they?
The fact that your sister doesn’t agree with you, can sometimes remain etched in your subconscious mind.
As you get older, whenever there is a disagreement, memories from the past take over. You start thinking that your sister has always disagreed with you, even as a kid. Eventually, a difference of opinion becomes a major hurdle between communication, and drifting apart seems like the most obvious conclusion.
From snitching on you while you skip school to go on a date to breaking something important to you or perhaps in some cases, not being around when you need them most, the cause for feeling betrayed by your sibling can be pretty diverse.
Once again, we stick to an infamous historical example. The Boleyn Sisters and their bizarre rivalry has been marked in English history. Mary and Anne Boleyn were both love interests and mistresses of King Harry the fifth. Due to this, their family enjoyed the favors of the king. Eventually, the rewards of courtship with the king drew the sisters apart and into a passionate rivalry.
Although the reasons mentioned above are more than enough to make you hate your sister, one thing that usually gets sidelined is the nature of the person. Nature is inbuilt and varies from person to person. Every person on earth has a unique nature which makes them different from others.
Sometimes, nature is such that a person cannot help being a nuisance. This may affect their relationship with their siblings. An annoying sister, who is a tattle-tale, automatically gets on the hate list. She doesn’t have to do anything. Just being herself is enough to make you hate her.
The annoying sister will always be there to make things worse for you. If you do something wrong, she will be the first one to snitch on you. If she gets to know your secret, she will try her best to let everyone know of it. She thinks it’s funny but she doesn’t realize that she is creating hatred, that might last longer than she thinks.
“Love is close to hate when it comes to sisters. You’re as close as two humans can be. You came from the same womb. The same background. Even if you’re poles apart, mentally. That’s why it hurts so much when your sister is unkind. It’s as though part of you is turning against yourself.” – Jane Corry
The reasons to hate your sister are many. These reasons are present between almost all siblings. It depends on how seriously they are taken, to have a long-lasting and negative effect on the relationship between the two.
How to Stop Hating Your Sister?
Life becomes a lot easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. – Robert Brault
It is normal to feel hatred towards your sister. If you feel that this feeling isn’t going away, rather it’s getting stronger with each passing day, then it’s time to do something about it. The reason you’re here, reading this article is that you want to end this hatred you have towards her. We have made a list of tips that can help you to overcome the hate and connect with your sister.
Parents are usually responsible for the hate and envy between siblings. When parents sense that you and your sister are not connected to each other, it should ring a bell. They should make efforts to help both of you in improving your relationship and creating harmony between you two.
You should go down memory lane and find out the root cause of feeling this way towards your sister. Maybe something happened in the past which offended you as a child and you hung on to that feeling till adulthood. Find the cause and talk it out with your sister. As adults, it’s easy to have a conversation to sort out the differences.
Forgive and forget. If your sister did something wrong with you, like betrayed you, act like the bigger person and forgive her. You should understand that to hurt is human. She made a mistake but forgiving her is in your hands. You cannot spend your whole life hating her. It can have a negative effect on your mental and physical health. So, let go and patch up.
If you and your sister have grown up and have families of your own, it’s time to get counseling to make things better. Find a therapist, who can talk to both of you, hear your concerns, and help you determine the cause of the differences between you and your sister. They can help you overcome the feeling of jealousy or hatred and start anew.
Maybe your sister has grown up to be a better person than she was as a child. In that case, you can talk to her and change the way you feel about her. Maybe you two can even become best friends. You can erase the haunting memories of the past and make more cherished memories with her now.
Put yourself in your sister’s shoes. Try to see things from her point of view. Maybe what she did to make you hate her, was done unintentionally or due to other surrounding factors. For example, if you hate her because she threw away your favorite doll and you never forgave her for that. Ask her why she did that? Maybe she was having a bad day or maybe your parents said something and she reacted. Once you find out that it was unintentional and not really meant to hurt you, it will be easier for you to forget it and move on.
Think of the good times you had with your sister when you were kids before you started hating her. Look at old photographs. It will warm your heart and the good memories will rekindle the love you once had for your sister.
Talk, Just simply talk to your sister. No matter how much you hate her. No matter how much she hurt you. If you talk to her, you will probably find out what she thinks. Maybe she regrets treating you badly or doing what she did, which made you hate her. Communication is the key. Talk to her. Break the ice. Once you do it, you will find that maybe you just made a mountain out of a molehill.
Meditation also helps you to think clearly with a sound mind. It helps you relax. Once you’re cool and calm, you start thinking straight. The anger is replaced by positive thoughts. It can help you overcome the feeling of hatred you have for your sister.
Accepting your emotions helps you to understand that they are fleeting. It means that this feeling will pass eventually. Say it out loud that you accept that you hate your sister. Then try to suggest something to yourself, as you would to a friend going through a similar situation. Such as “You did the best you could!” and “Don’t blame yourself!” Treat yourself with compassion and you will feel soothed. You might even start feeling differently about your sister.
A sister is someone, who loves you from the heart. No matter how much you argue, you cannot be drawn apart.
Of course, it’s possible that your sister doesn’t want to cover the gap. Maybe she feels the same way for you and won’t cooperate with you in putting aside the differences or maybe the differences are too many to cope. What can you do in this case? Don’t cut ties, instead, keep the conversations short and avoid talking about anything that might lead to an argument.
That being said, you should remember that at the end of the day, she is your sister. You have spent your childhood together, sharing happy moments, and making memories. The relationship with your sister is more likely to be one of the longest and strongest relationships there ever is.
You don’t get to choose your sister, but while friends may come and go, a sister is for life. She is the one who teaches you about fairness, cooperation, kindness, and caring, quite often the hard way.
When you are young and wild, your emotions are all over the place. You deal with everything with a certain hot-headedness. Only when you get old and are approaching the end, do you realize that all that hatred was for nothing. You shake your head and laugh at the pettiness of it all. You understand that blood is thicker than water and family relationships and loyalties are the strongest and most important ones.
Like Linda Sunshine said:
If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.
So, it is normal and very common to hate your sister for something she did in the past, but at the same time, she’s the link to your childhood. You will always fight, but you’ll always make up as well. That’s what sisters do. You argue you point out each other’s weaknesses, mistakes, and bad judgment, but in the end, you come back together.