After all this struggle, you have finally found yourself at a place you can call yourself self-sufficient and mean it. A cute, little apartment, a job that pays well, and a heart that is ready to grow (more). That is what anyone can ask for to lead a good life, isn’t it?
A good life with a love life in shambles.
Maybe why you are reading this today is because you do not feel the ‘spark’ in an apparently pleasing relationship. And it sucks to feel that way. The good news is, your doubts have found the right place to find clarity: this article.
Let it walk you through the life (or agendas) of once an always loving and caring human, and now a sometimes disregarding one.
This man of yours was someone so deeply invested in you in the beginning but now all of that seems to have disappeared. The financial imbalance is pretty noticeable and that is making him rely more and more on you as a result of which there is too much burden of responsibilities and you can feel it. This guy has used his abilities not to find a job but to emotionally manipulate you into you always wanting to be there for him. Even if it drains you and your pocket. His bad company and reputation are yet again some red flags you need to pay attention to.
An elaborate talk on the signs of him using you, you ask?
Here you go.
The beginning of the relationship felt too good to be true
Remember how he never forgot to bring you roses and the coffee dates were too enchanting to end?
How did his words get you thinking about him day in and out?
And how he always insisted on paying for the whole bill?
Would it be a wake-up call if I say that all of these were not some cute gestures of love, but his ‘investment’ to get more money?
Well, if it is, you might want to wake up and look through more signs.
The financial disparity is pretty obvious
Signs lie in facts. There, I said it. If you ever get into a relationship with someone who earns way less than you do, you have to be pretty alert about it.
You should look for his intentions and should not let the money come in the middle of your relationship if it is worth it! However, if your partner keeps bringing the money up, think of it as a red flag.
Get alert. That is the first step to not getting used by anyone.
He is broke and he says that too often than needed
You don’t ask him about his bank balance as much as he tells you about it.
Why would anyone keep telling you about how poor they are until they need something out of it?
Do not mistake this as ‘just a rant’.
This is a well-known strategy to make people want to help them.
Over time, you will notice the man has developed the habit of asking you for money over and over again.
The worst part is that you do not see the money going to any place productive.
An adult whose self-esteem has dropped down to the level of asking for a loan over and over again has quite possibly lost the ability or the need to make something good out of the money.
He knows where to spend the money (but doesn’t know how)
For someone to be so interested in money, there have to be quite some places they know where to spend the money at.
And that is something or maybe the only thing this man has sorted out completely. Maybe he is into all these fancy things he cannot afford to have from his salary and thus, relies on someone around him.
Men of this kind essentially look for girlfriends who can ‘afford’ having them.
He wants to “help you” with managing your finances
A very important component of a healthy relationship is healthy boundaries. And there are quite some chances that you will see this man breaching one of those.
Especially when the boundary is related to finances. He will feel offended when you won’t want to share the details of your earnings with him and would want to be a part of managing how much money goes where even if it is not even his own money.
You won’t see him making an honest effort to make money of his own
The man is broke and sad. But where does all of his time go?
You can’t help but wonder if he is very conveniently wasting it. And why does he not feel the need to bring it to use and earn, you ask?
Because he has found himself an ATM. What else does he need when he has easy money?
He does not feel reluctant in using your things without permission
Now that his self-respect has dropped down to a pretty low level, he can very easily do whatever pleases him.
The conscience can be easily brushed off and you can be easily manipulated. Things are pretty okay for the guy. So he can take your car wherever he pleases.
He is misusing the ‘good couples share everything’ rule and there isn’t much that you can do about it.
You feel manipulated
You feel manipulated frankly because you are! The guy has played the ‘I am broke, I am sad, I am depressed’ card and has seen that it works on you.
Now, he will play it as much as needed. Until you step up and break the cycle.
There is only one way of breaking the cycle and that is refusing to lend any more of the cash.
Once you do that, things will become pretty clear on where this relationship stands.
It is too early to plan a future
Whenever you bring forth the topic of the plans about your future together, he backs off. You don’t see him getting excited about the two of you.
There are no giggles, no blushing, no bright smile, just a quiet gesture of withdrawal. Every. Single. Time.
Well, if he thinks that the relationship is at the stage where everything can be ‘shared’, but it is too early to plan about the future yet, then he does not plan on staying for too long.
All bills are now yours to pay
The burden of expenses is now getting to your shoulders and you see no effort coming from the other side.
Electricity bills, rents, and the unending grocery list wait for you to empty your pocket. Simply because your partner is broke.
Remember, you do not owe anyone anything. Especially when you see how draining their habits are.
Your emotions do not have much value
How do you know if someone cares about you?
By noticing if they care about how much they care about how you feel. Do you think you feel unheard?
Have your mood swings and bad days been mostly unseen and unheard of?
There is a rule of judging a situation like that. If someone is disappointing you over and over again, you are asking too much of them.
Now there could be two possibilities:
- You are expecting too much.
- They are not doing enough
Expecting your partner to hear you out sometimes is not too much to ask for.
And that is how we know that you deserve someone better.
Repeat after me, you do not deserve emotional neglect.
His pick up lines have found a way with the other women
Have you been waiting to hear some words of love from your lover? Have you witnessed those words of love being misdirected to another woman’s dress, or her hair, or hair beauty, or her?
If yes, know that this one-way traffic cannot work for long.
You are hurt! Talk to him about it.
And do not let him trivialize your emotions while you do that.
You doubt he is dating someone else
His deviating his attention elsewhere, not caring about you enough, talking about another woman, belittling you are some of the signs that he is dating someone.
Well, if he is dating you despite being involved with someone else, there is quite a possibility that what he wants from you now is money and maybe more sex.
But what is left of the relationship looks pretty shallow and just not worth it!
He is not thought of as the best person around
While the thoughts of the people are not the best way of judging someone, your thoughts inclining to their opinion is a sign that what they say is right!
There is barely a chance of people liking someone who is not fond of working hard or behaving.
There is also a possibility of him misbehaving with people. What can you expect of an idle person?
When you do not have the right outlet to put your energy into, you consciously or unconsciously start leaning towards the wrong ones. The built-up frustration is pretty capable of making your guy misbehave with those around and even you! So when people think of him as the bad guy, hear them out!
Remember what we were taught as kids? ‘You are known by the company you keep.’
Well, that was quite a lesson. His social circle is where he finds acceptance and solace.
And if a group of friends is giving him the acceptance for not working hard enough, or for relying on someone else’s money, that is a good example of a bad company.
His personal life remains undiscovered
You don’t know where he was born or what his favorite childhood memories are.
His family, his roots, his house, and his history are still a mystery for you.
If so much time and devotion into a relationship could not bring him into making you meet his parents, God knows what will.
Your best friend does not get a nice vibe
There are a lot of things in our lives that get blurry because of emotions and because we are not able to see them for ourselves.
That is why adult friendships are so important. Good friends look out for you when you are not doing it for yourself. When they rationalize your thoughts and help you sort your emotions out, listen to them. They are probably right.
You get anxious around him
Your subconscious mind knows just what is wrong for you, whether or not your conscious mind knows about it. If you feel a feeling of discomfort around him, realize that something is off.
Look for your triggers. If you can’t point one thing out, notice what it is about this relationship that makes you uncomfortable or does not make you feel at home.
Is it related to you doing too much effort to keep it going?
Is too much of your money going into this relationship?
You have saviors complex
You plan on letting him go, but then your brain takes you back to all the times he was so sad and vulnerable. The trick is done. And you end up staying again.
If you have found yourself backing off from this toxic relationship but your thoughts kept taking you back to him, you probably have a savior complex.
So the next time your brain tells you how much he needs you, remind yourself that he is an adult and is responsible for himself. You cannot and will not pamper him all his life. It is time you make him realize that.
The comfort in your bedroom is lost
Sex is not a pleasure for you anymore.
Because your pleasure is not something the other person wants to keep into consideration.
This is a reason good enough to think that this relationship is not based upon love. You might even end up getting hurt if you do not take a stand for yourself.
His promises do not mean anything
By now you know that he is not a man of his words. He does not care about you. Not enough to care about your emotions.
Not enough to care about your preferences in bed. Why would then his words do that? All of what he says, he will surely do, one day.
But the day has not yet come.
He is just using you
Chances are that this person did lose his job and is not able to find a new one. He has been fishing for opportunities but nothing well-paying finds his way.
Maybe he is not intentionally using you. But if you have still come to this point of the article, he probably is emotionally neglectful, often lies, keeps delaying the talk on future, or flirts with other girls.
All of these point towards a toxic relationship. And no, you do not need to have it in your life.
What should be done next?
There is a way of going about things. If you feel like your man is using you for money, you should word this concern in front of him before taking any harsh decisions.
- Talk about what specific behavior of his is bothering you.
- Set clear boundaries. For example, none of you should keep an eye on the accounts of the other.
- Talk clearly about your financial issues.
- Be respectful of what the other person wants to do with their money.
- Lending each other money should not be off-limits. It should be, say one percent of the salary of the person lending the money.
- Asking for money from your partner repetitively, without a check is not okay.
- Divide the bills to be paid, being considerate of how much the other person can pay.
- Once the conversation has happened, notice how your partner reacts to it.
- If he was there for the money, chances are he would leave himself.
- If you see him changing after the conversation, that is some good news.
- If you still feel the toxicity lingering around, LEAVE.
It all comes down to this:
The financial difference in a relationship needs to be worked through emotional intelligence. It is one of the main factors that can destroy the essence of a relationship.
However, sadly some relationships secretly begin to gain financial benefits and it is immensely important to be aware of that.
You are precious. And you need to be at a place where you are seen as a human, irrespective of the superficial measures this world has introduced.